“I’ve never done anything bad. How did Jesus save me?”

I can remember those uncomfortable nights in youth group when the pastor would invite someone to tell their testimony. God has turned the hearts of many in incredible ways, but more often than not, the impact of the speaker would be more condemning than encouraging.

Students who grew up in the church might envy those stories (we’ll call them “good testimonies”), knowing that surely if they had suffered those experiences, they could see God better. And if they could see God better, they would know why they should tell their friends about Him. It is more obvious in the mind of a 16-year-old that God saved someone from death by drugs than that God saved them from the nothing they think they are experiencing in their suburban church life (we’ll call this a “bad testimony”).

As we all know, Christians are widely seen as hypocrites and morally judgmental people. In fact, we are called to be the opposite. I have always struggled with the idea of a calling, but it’s pretty clear, even to me, that Christians are supposed to be different. But if we are supposed to be different, what standard are we supposed to be different from? This is where the “good testimony” versus “bad testimony” comes in.

When a woman stands on stage and tells the story of redemption from terrible circumstances, I can see that her life is different and her demons are obvious. She has, in a sense, escaped the standard of the world in favor of faith.

On the other hand, whenever I try to tell my testimony, it sounds boring. I adhere to the standard of a good church kid, and the sins of good church kids aren’t as obvious. In fact, good church kids are less likely to see their sin themselves, and therein is the sin. We think we are “good enough.”

Self-righteousness is most often associated with Pharisees, but the concept has slunk into church culture and permeated the congregation. It gives us the license to believe that we can save ourselves. We ask, “If’ I’ve never done anything bad. How did Jesus save me?” Our list of good deeds and the number of times we said no screams “Innocent!” in our minds while our handle on eternity waivers.

A relationship with God is not based on a list of good behaviors or acceptable decisions. We cannot save ourselves. Our salvation is that we have been delivered from thinking we could be saved by our own right, by our own actions!

Tim Keller sums it up well in his book The Prodigal God:

“Mercy and forgiveness must be free and unmerited to the wrongdoer. If the wrongdoer has to do something to merit it, then it isn't mercy, but forgiveness always comes at a cost to the one granting the forgiveness.”  

The salvation that Christ offers is purely based on His grace and choice. Our response must be wholehearted devotion to Him in submission to whatever He asks. Submission is the hardest lifestyle, and we will be deaf to His call if we are consistently focused on our self-imposed ideas of perfect performance.

It is undeniable that stories differ, but let us never be so unaware that we believe that our story will win us a relationship with the Creator and Sustainer of the universe.

Christmas Daze

December has come in a rush of Christmas cards, travel tickets, and too much chocolate. I never thought that could happen, but I assure you, it is possible. It’s been a small affair this year. We stayed in Virginia, and welcomed my three sisters and a plus one for the holiday season. In the new year, classes will start up, and I’ll be making progress toward my degree again. I’ve been working at a restaurant and will experience my first New Year’s Eve rush tomorrow evening. My hope is that the New Year brings more hours of joy in your life. I challenge you to take your priorities before the Lord and to tell people how much they matter to you. It’s a new year, but life is still a journey. Always aim to make it better.

Why I decided to stop feeling like a failure

As I approached the age of 16, I was one of those rarities who was not looking forward to driving. I wasn’t scared. I just didn’t want to drive. I was convinced that I would never need a license because I was going to live the metropolitan dream: riding buses, walking to the grocery store, taking the metro, and getting a cab when I really needed to get somewhere. As a result, I didn’t agree to pursue my license until my senior year of high school and my 18^th year on the planet.

Having waited so long to get my license, I never really found myself in a position to buy a car. We moved after I graduate. I was always trying to go overseas, and my on campus job barely supported on campus costs. I worked in upstate New York every summer. Timing was never right, so now I find myself at age 22 without a car.

This might not seem like a big deal, but some days it really feels like it is. When I want to go somewhere, I have to ask my parents for the keys, which they graciously give me every time. If I ever go in for an interview, I’m always afraid they’ll ask about reliable transportation and I’ll have to admit I usually drive a gold minivan. It just doesn’t feel “grown up.” Who wants to hire a dependent?

It would be easy for me to feel like a failure at this point in my life. I am 22 years old with no steady job or college degree. Having lived in my current community only two months, I still live anonymously. I recently left a job out West to live with my parents back East. And let’s top it off with: I have never had a serious relationship. Feel free to agree with me when I say, things look a bit bleak.

Counter to popular belief, failure is most often defined by circumstance instead of a single action.  People might fail a test, but if you’re twenty something and living in your parents basement playing video games all day, most social circles would label you a failure. I used to feel like that was my path and that I might as well run out onto the beach on a stormy night and yell up into the sky, “I’ve failed! I’ve failed! I’ve failed!” A bit melodramatic perhaps, but that’s what packing up a life every three months does to a person.

Now let me assure you that I have no intention of living out a death wish to be struck by lightning. Instead of gloomily staring at myself in the mirror for hours wondering why I haven’t risen to some sort of greatness, I intend to be patient.  Well, how does that make sense?

I’ve come to realize that in the bigger scheme of things I can look back at my life and realize that I have no regrets. All of the decisions I have made to this point have been purposeful, prayerful, deliberative, and intentional. I have not failed. I have learned.

I don’t have a job, but I wouldn’t give up my time of soul searching for anything. While I pined for the city, I fell in love with a small town. While I lived in the mountains, I learned to stand up for myself and make hard decisions. I don’t have a car, but that hasn’t stopped me from making connections in almost every part of this country. The friends I have all over the country tie my life together, and my community is bigger than a single zip code. And as far as relationships, the time I’ve had to grow has built me into a stronger woman that won’t settle for just anybody, if I even need to settle.

Instead of seeing the perceived failures in my life, I can see the foundation that has been built under me and the construction following me as I go. It’s a process to become something. Though it often hurts, pain should never stop perseverance.

So while I patiently and proactively live out the coming months, I will continue to hear a stoic chant in the background: “Something is coming. “